D I S A S S O C I A T I O N

Disassociation
A calculation to break concentration
Manifestations of hallucinations that
Seem to be your only way of salvation
A fixation to fixate on anything but how to fix the hate
That’s been filling your soul
That’s been filling your-your mind
And your body
That’s been leaving your vision just a little bit spotty

Disassociation
The invasion of hesitation to cease the
Creation of new words and thoughts to
Phase in to conversation
Because you just can’t think
Thinking
Thinking
Not thinking
Not thinking
Blinking
Grasping at the linkings between brainwaves
Because you just crave to—

. . .

Sorry
I forgot what I was saying there
And only partially because that was planned
But most likely because of my brand
You see, I’ve been branded
I was handed
No, commanded
By myself if I’m being candid
To become stranded
To stay stranded
In a land of abandoned abandonment
Abandoned abandonment
To leave behind what’s left me behind

Provoked by the perpetual pain
I panic and plow into the
Pipelines of pretending
I promise myself that the pounding pressure
The pounding pressure
Parading around the property of my mind
Will pass
Like poison is filling my perfectly precious person
I need to protect pieces
Protect pieces of myself
So I start the process
Pushing, or pulling away I guess
Parachuting to a proper planet
A planet of no perpetual pain
My own personal prison
and I—

. . .

It’s a coping mechanism
A dualism schism of Darwinism
Because Survival of the Fittest, am I right?!
Survival
That’s how it all starts
Learning how to survive the darkest parts
The darkest parts
Of our trauma-filled hearts

Coming home from school early one day
To hear your mother say
Through straggled airways
That your father chose to give away
His
Own life
No longer thinking it’s child’s play
Yelling out shotgun for the highway
Instead
Thinking of a closet doorway
Corpse inlay
Crammed with decay
and—

. . .

At least
That’s how it all started for me
But there’s no guarantee
No master key
Of how it will be
For you
No clue
When the invisible blood stains
Will send the message to your brain
To refrain from the pain
Veins like chains
Reminding you that you remain
Here
In the eye of the hurricane

And before you jump to any conclusions
Let me clear up any confusion
That this
Disassociating thing
Isn’t inherently bad
No, because
How else is a kid
Supposed to pull themselves up out of bed
With a pounding head
Consumed with dread for what lies ahead
After they’ve seen someone they love
Dead

It’s how we survive
Staying alive by
Temporarily storing emotions on a hard drive’s archive
Mentally telling yourself to just “take five”
But don’t forget to come back
Give yourself some slack
But remember to backtrack
To where you left off
Because
Those linkings between your brain waves
May not be there if you wait too long
And you’ll be stuck singing your own swan song:

Thinking
Thinking
Not thinking
Not thinking
Not thinking
Not thinking
Not—

. . .

*Featured image can be found and purchased here.

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